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Thursday, September 26, 2019

The Best Add-On Bidets for Your Boring Old Toilet

A Japanese toilet-bidet with a built-in blue light.
Alano Design/Shutterstock

Bidets are better at cleaning your butt than toilet paper, and they lower your risk of developing butt-itch or hemorrhoids. But unless you have the space (or money) for a full-sized bidet, you’ll have to go for an add-on bidet.

Lucky for you, add-on bidets work pretty well. They’re also relatively cheap and easy to install (if you can unscrew a seat from a toilet, then you can install a bidet). But the market is flooded with add-on bidets, many of which are almost identical to one another. That’s why we’ve taken the time to find the best bidets and to explain why they may or may not suit your needs.

What to Look for in a Bidet Add-On

As strange as it sounds, bidets are sold with a variety of features, like temperature controls and amiable nozzles. Some add-on bidets even have built-in seat warmers or butt dryers. These extra features tend to cost extra money, so it’s important to know what you want from a bidet before you take out your wallet and buy whatever looks cool. Bidets can look cool, right?

Here are the features that you should look for in a bidet add-on:

  • Retractable or Static Nozzle: Cheap bidets have static, unmoving nozzles that sit at the back of your toilet bowl. They aren’t as effective as bidets with retractable nozzles, which can aim the water directly under your butt. (Of course, motorized bidets need to be plugged in or powered by batteries.) Some people swear by retractable nozzles, but static nozzles will still do a better job than toilet paper.
  • Under-Seat or Full-Seat Installation: There are two types of bidet attachments. One type sits under your existing toilet seat, while the other is a toilet seat replacement. Generally, full toilet seat bidets work better than under-seat attachments, as they’re a bit more stable and they won’t make your seat feel uneven. But, under-seat bidets are nice and cheap, and they do work.
  • Spray Options: Most bidets have pressure controls. But if you want a bit more from your bidet, then you should look out for temperature and nozzle aiming controls. Temperature controls are great if you live somewhere that gets extremely cold (nobody wants frozen water shot up their spine), but they’re usually considered a luxury.
  • Extra Stuff: If you’re willing to spend more than $100 on a bidet attachment, then you may as well consider buying a smart toilet seat. They don’t connect to your phone or anything, but they have useful features like built-in butt dryers, night lights, and seat warmers. Some even deodorize and sanitize the toilet once you’re finished doin’ your business.

Alright, now that you know what to look for in a bidet, it’s time to go shopping. Here are the best bidets for everybody’s needs.

(By the way, you don’t have to worry about “filtered” bidets or anything like that. When installing a bidet, you use a T adapter to split the potable water line that feeds into your toilet tank. In other words, the water that’s used by your bidet is the same water that’s used by your kitchen sink or shower. It isn’t water from the toilet tank.)

The Best Overall: BioBidet Slim Zero

The BioBidet Slim Zero
BioBidet

The BioBidet Slim Zero is a no-nonsense toilet seat bidet that, when compared to other bidets, looks relatively “normal.” Most add-on bidets have control panels like the chairs in Star Trek, but the Slim Zero is fitted with a simple and attractive knob instead. This knob activates the bidet and allows you to adjust its pressure, and it’s reasonably easy to reach while sitting (just don’t let your guests confuse it for the flush knob).

But the Slim Zero isn’t all looks. It has a retractable nozzle that runs on two AA batteries. Remember, retractable nozzles are better at cleaning your tooshie than static nozzles. These batteries also power the Slim Zero’s optional nightlight, which is a nice touch for the midnight-poopers out there.

The Best Overall

Bio Bidet Slim Zero-Non Electric Bidet Seat for Elongated Toilet, Dual Nozzle, Nightlight, Unified Brass, Inlet and T-Valve-Easy to use Chrome Plated Side Lever DIY Installation, White

The BioBidet Slim Zero is an attractive, no-nonsense bidet. It replaces your toilet seat, has a retractable nozzle, and ditches the plastic control-panel in favor of a bidet knob.

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